Don't Feed The Celebs

The Michael Richimpanzee - Michael Richards

admin — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 18:10:15 +0000

Natural Instincts - Has the distinct primal instinct of being typecasted. He was once mistaken for an accomplished actor.

Aliases - This species has also posed as a doctor, Dr. Van Nostren (Kramer), and has tried to give men fake physicals. He is armed and dangerous….. with WACKINESS!

Wild Acts - The Michael Richimpanzee (Michael Richards) had been known to drop the N bomb on the stage. He’s made up for it, by apologizing and donating a his most expensive jacket to Al Sharpton.

Michael Richards Image: Alan Light

The Blue Footed Pamela Anderbooby - Pamela Anderson

admin — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 02:27:57 +0000

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FeaturesThis critter loves to show her blue footed boobies. She’s been subject to millions of hours of sluttish, which is awesome!

Daily Health - This species has more diseases then one of Colin Farrell’s used condoms.

BEWARE! Beware of the The Blue Footed Pamela Anderbooby (Pamela Anderson)! Sure she looks hot from afar, but close up, she can turn a man into Hepatitis.

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The Danny Bonabadger - Danny Bonaduce

admin — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 23:56:08 +0000

Natural Strengths - This species excels at making sitcoms, lip syncing and wearing bell bottoms. However this fine celebimal is the exact opposite of wine, he actually gets worse with age.

Wildlife Tendencies - He tends to be a little aggressive towards other animals, especially related ones. He once slugged another badger in the jaw because he was told he had a small wiener.

Videography - The Danny Bonabadger (Danny Bonaduce) likes to appear in TV shows that get canceled after one season. He’s been deemed the Milli Vanilli of reality television.

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Shovelin The Shit - The Ball’s on this Chick

admin — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 22:52:51 +0000

She’s such a hip reporter…. until her face ends up in a big pile.

The Whooptopus Goldberg - Whoopi Goldberg

admin — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 00:38:30 +0000

Natural Abilities - When this species makes eye contact with the opposite sex, she has the rare ability make any man go limp.

Physical Features - This critter’s bare physical features were recorded and photographed by numerous camera men. Unfortunately, once they developed the photos, they instantly jumped off of a cliff.

Videography - The Whooptopus Goldberg (Whoopi Goldberg) has been in such nature films as Sister Act, Corrina Corrina & The Little Rascals, giving hope to aspiring talentless actresses everywhere.

Whoopi Goldberg Photo: Daniel Langer and Comic Relief, Inc.
Octopus Photo: Albert Kok

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The Mel Gibzzly Bear - Mel Gibson

admin — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 01:19:46 +0000

Daily Diet - Loves to feed on honey, salmon and bibles. His favorite food is his ego, which sometimes turns into a flying spaghetti monster.

Natural Habits - The Mel Gibzzly Bear (Mel Gibson) loves to get his drink on. He was last seen doing body shots off of the David Hasselhorse’s (David Hasselhoff) cleavage.

Videography - This species was in several Nature films such as Braveheart and Mad Max. His most notable role came in the acclaimed movie What Women Want, which earned $47.

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The Mick Jagguar - Mick Jagger

admin — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 23:10:21 +0000

Mating Calls - This species serenades the female jaguars with his loud screeching and hip thrusting.

Physical Traits - His long shaggy hair is really an old wig which he physically had sodered onto his head.

Wildlife Procedures - The Mick Jagguar (Mick Jagger) has surprisingly not had any plastic surgery done. But when we look at the above picture, we are reminded of a 90 year old mans ass crack.

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The Jessica Albatross - Jessica Alba

admin — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 01:47:28 +0000

Wildlife Intelligence - This species is like way super intelligent and totally excellent at reading. In fact, researchers have concluded she actually ISN’T Smarter Than A Fifth Grader.

Physical Features - Has a very large belly as of late which makes it difficult for her to fly. Her long beak was once detached and used in A Clockwork Orange.

Natural Fanfare - The Jessica Albatross (Jessica Alba) is well received by all of the nations media outlets. In fact, the press offered her $0 for pictures of her new born baby. They basically think a package of Twinkies has more value to it.

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Shovelin The Shit: SWAT

admin — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 01:09:23 +0000

Smart cops earn medals. But then again so do stupid ones. In Minneapolis, MN a SWAT team was honored with awards and medals for their actions when they stormed and raided the wrong house. That’s right, they broke into the wrong house. The owner was scared shitless so he ran and grabbed his shotgun to defend his 6 children. After returning gunfire for a little bit, the violence finally ceased. Luckily no one was harmed, except the cops egos.

Anyway, these morons got honored for screwing their job up. What’s the world coming to? They pretty much shit on the family who’s house they broke into. Gotta love putting your kids to bed and then having a battering ram come through your door. Nothing says “Sleep Tight” like semi-automatic gun shots.

Read the Full Story

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The Jeremy Pigeon - Jeremy Piven

admin — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 00:56:30 +0000

Natural Abilities - Is great at being the hobo of the bird kingdom. Is excellent at eating bread, scavenging and pooping everywhere. Was once locked in a dumpster, but yeh, he got out.

Videography - Was in such wildlife documentaries as PCU, Old School and Smokin Aces. His most notable role is playing Ari Gold in the hit HBO show Entourage where he coincidentally poops on everything including people.

Physical Appearance - The Jeremy Pigeon (Jeremy Piven) is a rare species. He has the body of a young pigeon and is balding faster than Sinead O’Connor. Researchers say it’s only a matter of days before he will join the Hair Club For Men.

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