Archive for July, 2008
Posted 31.07.2008 | 9:47 pm
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Wildlife Intelligence - This species is like way super intelligent and totally excellent at reading. In fact, researchers have concluded she actually ISN’T Smarter Than A Fifth Grader.
Physical Features - Has a very large belly as of late which makes it difficult for her to fly. Her long beak was once detached and used in A Clockwork Orange.
Natural Fanfare - The Jessica Albatross (Jessica Alba) is well received by all of the nations media outlets. In fact, the press offered her $0 for pictures of her new born baby. They basically think a package of Twinkies has more value to it.
Posted 30.07.2008 | 9:09 pm
Smart cops earn medals. But then again so do stupid ones. In Minneapolis, MN a SWAT team was honored with awards and medals for their actions when they stormed and raided the wrong house. That’s right, they broke into the wrong house. The owner was scared shitless so he ran and grabbed his shotgun to defend his 6 children. After returning gunfire for a little bit, the violence finally ceased. Luckily no one was harmed, except the cops egos.
Anyway, these morons got honored for screwing their job up. What’s the world coming to? They pretty much shit on the family who’s house they broke into. Gotta love putting your kids to bed and then having a battering ram come through your door. Nothing says “Sleep Tight” like semi-automatic gun shots.
Read the Full Story
Posted 29.07.2008 | 8:56 pm
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Natural Abilities - Is great at being the hobo of the bird kingdom. Is excellent at eating bread, scavenging and pooping everywhere. Was once locked in a dumpster, but yeh, he got out.
Videography - Was in such wildlife documentaries as PCU, Old School and Smokin Aces. His most notable role is playing Ari Gold in the hit HBO show Entourage where he coincidentally poops on everything including people.
Physical Appearance - The Jeremy Pigeon (Jeremy Piven) is a rare species. He has the body of a young pigeon and is balding faster than Sinead O’Connor. Researchers say it’s only a matter of days before he will join the Hair Club For Men.
Posted 28.07.2008 | 8:51 pm
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Natural Abilities - Excels at performing tasks related to white collar crime. She’s also been known to get less jail time by baking cakes for her inmates.
Dietary Habits - This species mainly eats flies, gnats and other insects. She often feeds off her own self satisfaction which comes in the form of liquid evil.
Wildlife Talents - The Martha Stewmeleon (Martha Stewart) is talented in many ways which include sewing, housekeeping and wrapping her tongue around long objects. She’s also one of the best at running a sweat shop. The world is truly a better place with her clothing line in K-Mart.
Posted 25.07.2008 | 7:19 pm
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Daily Activities - This little guy loves to spend his days in his hamster wheel. However, he easily gets winded, so this doesn’t last long.
Videography - Famous for his sensational role in Twins, this critter has graced such movies as Batman Returns & Space Jam and television shows such as Reno 911 & It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. At least he’s staying out of the circus.
Physical Attributes - The Danny Dehamster (Danny Devito) is truly a creature of beauty. Unfortunately both of this little guys arms were lost during a hot dog eating contest. His double chin lets us know that he needs to be fed every 2 hours.
Danny Devito Picture: Glenn Francis
Posted 24.07.2008 | 8:36 pm
These guys are truly the masters of the telephone. Knowing when to seize perfect opportunities and turning them into timeless classics. The last one is the best.
Posted 23.07.2008 | 8:30 pm
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Daily Routines - Famed for his appearances in Happy Days and Joannie Loves Chotchie, the Scott Baioa Constrictor (Scott Baio) has choked in many key points in his career.
Favorite Activities - His favorite activities include eating large rats, lurking in the shadows and creating ridiculously lame reality shows. Seriously people, Scott Baio’s life is that interesting? Might as well give give Carrot Top (see The The Carrangutan Top) a reality show.
Predators - His only weakness is, The Henry Winklynx (Henry Winkler). My sources have told me that there is a new reality show coming to FOX; “Are You Smarter Than a Washed Up Happy Days Actor?”
Posted 22.07.2008 | 8:17 pm
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Wildlife Talents - This species is one of the loudest song birds in the forest. The mere mention of her name is enough to inspire fear in any man.
Spare Time - The Lorenutcracker Bobbit’s (Lorena Bobbit) spends her spare time wisely. She enjoys chirping, flying south for the winter and playing hide the sausage. Only her version involves a lot of cutting and removing of the sausage.
Where Is She Now? - She currently works as a meat slicer at your local ShopRite.
Nutcracker Photo Source: Wing-Chi Poon
Posted 21.07.2008 | 9:04 pm
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Natural Talents - The William Box Shaturtle (William Shatner) is good at eating flies and sleeping. He also excels at slashing the price of a 5 star hotel, saving us 30% off our next stay.
Videography - After his long tenuous career with Star Trek, this species went on to bigger and better roles such as playing a cracked out alien on 3rd Rock From The Sun.
Mating Calls - Doesn’t have a lot of luck with the lady turtles. However, he is a HUGE hit with middle-aged virgin men that live in their parents basement.
Posted 20.07.2008 | 8:39 pm
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Natural Habitat - This species used to live out in the open, however he occasionally retreats to rehab.
Primal Instincts - Has been known to have a few screws loose. His antics resemble that of a meth head. He recently de-shirted a 17 year-old in an attempt to try and find her penis.
Daily Diet - The North American Andy Dickpecker’s (Andy Dick) favorite foods are cocaine and wood. He loves wood. LOVES it. He also enjoys chicken. Scientists say he’s choked more chickens than Colonel Sanders.
Andy Dick Photo: The 1 Second Film
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