Archive for June, 2008
Posted 24.06.2008 | 8:26 pm
I’ve decided to add some new segments to the safari. Because after all, we aren’t just observing celebrity-animals, but their behaviors as well.
This week’s Rabid Beetch is Linda Hogan. It looks the proposed divorce between Linda and her husband Hulk Hogan is turning uglier every day, kinda like Linda’s face in a mirror. This week she apparently called 911 to report that the Hulkamaniac paid an unexpected visit to her home (which I might add probably came out of the Hulkster’s wallet). Naturally the Hulk got in his car and peaced out. Who wants that crazy beetch in their face?
She decided to play detective and follow his car while on the phone with the 911 operator. At one point he tells her to stop following him. Maybe she should listen to the guy. Click here to listen to the 911 call and you’ll see why Linda Hogan is the Rabid Beetch of the week.
Sources: Image © /PR Photos, Audio courtesy of TMZ
Posted 23.06.2008 | 8:22 pm
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Mating Calls - This little bird packs a wallop. She is known for her high pitched squawk which has been known to drive people crazy. Her mating move of choice is the old “Pay him to go out with me” trick. Works every time.
Natural Talents - Is well known for her ability to admit that she is a horrible actress. She used that talent, to create a show about her not having talent. Now that’s what I call television!
Wildlife Hardships - The Kathy Griffeasnt (Kathy Griffin) lives a tough life. When she isn’t watching old video tapes of Suddenly Susan, she loves to talk, blab and reenact scenes from her hit movie Beethoven’s 5th.
Posted 22.06.2008 | 10:13 pm
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Physical Traits - Normally the Rhinoceros species does not have hair, however the Richard Karnoceros (Richard Karn) is covered with it. His burly beard is a kind reminder to buy Brawny paper towels. His flannel covered skin allows him to escape the sight of his attacking enemies, mainly Tim “The Toolman” Taylor.
Videography - This big guy is very hard to get on tape, so we’re lucky to get this close. Look! He’s emerging from the set of Family Feud! And the survey says……Al Roker took his job.
Natural Talents - Known for his craftiness, this creature excels at fixing dry wall, mending torn fences and installing garage door openers. He can pretty much fix anything you throw at him, except his career.
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Physical Traits - Is one of the sexiest birds in all of the animal kingdom. Her long legs are used for stepping over insignificant fans that she encounters. Her most remarked trait are her fake boobs, which were made of leftovers from Geri Halliwell’s surgery.
Natural Defense - The Victoria Beckhemu (Victoria Beckham) is a very cautious bird. When an enemy approaches she will quickly get money from her husband to buy new shoes. She is what the French like to call a Digger de Golde.
Mating Calls - Known for her out of tune mating call, this little critter can butcher a song faster than she can spell it. Her favorite mating call entitled “Out of Your Mind” showed us how creative she is by having other people write her music.
Posted 21.06.2008 | 5:45 pm
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Wildlife Routines - The Al Rokephant (Al Roker) has been known to migrate throughout the hot Sahara desert using small packages of Ho-Hos as fuel. Scientists plan to follow and videotape this creature in the upcoming reality show, “Can You Guess My Weight?”
Natural Abilities - Well known for his ability to clean himself with his long trunk. He sometimes gives himself hot gravy showers. Other characteristics include eating, grazing small distances and the ability to inaccurately predict the weather.
Dietary Habits - This species used to be carnivorous, however recently he’s traded in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken for a bag of peanuts. Researchers have concluded that by the year 2010, the peanut plant will be extinct.
Posted 20.06.2008 | 6:33 pm
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Physical Traits - Is known for his silky smooth fur and enormous glittery hooves. His bright shimmer can also be attributed to the spray on tan he uses. He’s recently been introduced as the spokeswoman for Maybelline.
Natural Habitat - This species is known to live deep in the highlands of the E Network. He occasionally journeys into the closet, where he then refuses to come out of it.
Natural Enemies - The Ryak Seacrest (Ryan Seacrest) has numerous enemies. His ability to disguise himself as Mimi Bobeck from the Drew Carey show allows him to slip through the cracks undetected.
Posted 19.06.2008 | 7:17 pm
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Primary Habitat - Primarily lives deep in the crevices of the ocean. Has been known to make appearances when the sun comes out. Oh look, here she comes…… and it looks like her water just broke.
Natural Talents - It should be noted that this species is still developing their talent, however she has made appearances on film including Zoey 101, All That and Trojan condom commercials.
Royal Bloodline - The Jamie Lynn Sporpoise (Jamie Lynn Spears) comes from an eccentric background. She has been seen with her family at several tractor pulls and lawnmower races.
Posted 18.06.2008 | 10:33 pm
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Morning Rituals - Is known for his wake up rooster crows. His most famous, “The Achy-Breaky Chicken Heart” was nominated into the Rooster Crow Hall of Fame. It earned top honors as the Song Most Likely to Make It’s Listeners Virgins.
Primal Instincts - The Billy Ray Cyrooster (Billy Ray Cyrus) used to live life on the edge until one day one of his eggs hatched. If we look closer, we might be able to see him riding his daughters back to fame.
Physical Traits - This little critter is known for his shiny feathers. His sharp talons also allow him to grasp on to what little career he has. Studies have shown that in 1992, this species flaunted his mullet nearly 459,000 times.
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Physical Traits - This species is one of the prettiest insects in the animal kingdom. She’s attractive, funny and her smile is as fake as her personality.
Videography - Has been captured on film several times. She has been seen primarily in 4th grade film strips. Her latest appearance on video has put her in the same species class as the ho-bags from Flavor of Love 3.
Mating Call - The Denise Richsquito (Denise Richards) is beautiful and attracts mates from all forms of trailer parks. However we need to beware folks; she has been known to suck the living life out of her mates, leaving them with itchy red bumps that won’t go away.
Posted 17.06.2008 | 8:52 pm
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Primal Instincts - The Ashlee Simpsquirrel (Ashlee Simpson) has the basic instinct of knowing how to ruin a perfectly good Sony CD-R. This species is also great at selling a total of 100 cds in two years.
Physical Traits - This critter excels at getting jobs. In fact, her favorite job to get is a nose job. This procedure basically frees up more space between the animals mouth and nose; allowing her to store as many nuts in her mouth as she wants.
Mating Call - This species is well known for her ability to pretend to sing, making her one of the best lip syncers in the animal kingdom. She has previously performed on hit shows such as Starsearch, Pee Wee’s Funhouse and the Rikki Lake Show.
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