Archive for June, 2008
Posted 30.06.2008 | 8:32 pm
We’ll be introducing another section to the safari this week called Shovelin The Shit. Let’s face it, no one likes to get stuck shoveling all the poop up at the zoo, but ya know what, tough shit! Somebody’s gotta do it.
This week we welcome two individuals who will be rolling in animal feces all week. John and Darlene appear to be your average white trash couple, but were arrested last week in Florida for drilling holes in gas tanks to steal gas. They even got a couple of our safari jeeps. But it’s ok, because this dynamic duo did the smart thing, and left their personalized drill behind at the crime scene. He might as well have left his business card.
But wait, there’s more. When the cops went to their house, they also found a meth lab. Who would’ve thought? They just needed the stolen gas to make up for the falling methamphetamine prices. Damn economy. Well at least we know they’ll be shovelin the shit for a lonnnggg time.
Read the full story here
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Marital Troubles - Has difficulty keeping mates. Several informants have told us that her marriage is on the rocks and could be over very soon. We expect the Black-Tailed Madonnkey (Madonna) to kill and eat her mate at sun down.
Wildlife Show Business - Once considered a major sex symbol, this critter is still trying to bring sexy back at the tender age of 50. Her latest tour called “Sticky & Sweet & Old” is a small reminder that she should have retired years ago.
Dietary Habits - When this animal eats, she eats. Her daily diet includes hay, berries and Grammy Awards. Her favorite food to put in her mouth is Britney Spears’ tongue.
Source: AP
Posted 29.06.2008 | 9:08 pm
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Observances - The Hugh Heifer is one of the nicest and most respected animals that we will run across on this safari. He is a model of how celebrity animals should act.
Natural Habitat - Occasionally grazes the green pastures but loves to lounge in his mansion. Throws parties that are the talk of the animal kingdom and attract all types on endangered species. Even the the Carrangutan Top has been seen scurrying in the shadows.
Mating Habits - The Hugh Heifer (Hugh Hefner) or the Ultimatoes Pimpdaddyicious, is known for his ability to attract gorgeous young Veal. Has had 1000’s of mates, making him him the Mack Daddy of the animal kingdom.
Posted 28.06.2008 | 10:31 am
This douchebag called the safari office last week. He was trying to court one of our female safari guides, but she was playing hard to get. Listen to this smug asshole.
Posted 27.06.2008 | 10:53 pm
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Videography - This little guy just doesn’t know when to quit. He’s a sucker for the spotlight. Some of his most popular wildlife films include Making Sandwiches, Angels in the Outfield & How to Lose Your Talent In 10 Days.
Daily Mating Habits - Is known to attract beautiful women including super models, actresses and high school girls. Mainly because he gets older and they stay the same age. He was recently seen trying the to lure Miley Cyrus back to his windowless van.
Learning Disabilities - Unfortunately for the Matthew Mcconaughyena (Matthew Mcconaughey) he lacks the mental capacity for daily activities. In his spare time he will dance around his house and play the bongos for hours. He’s what you call a male bimbo; a mimbo if you will.
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Natural Habitat - Lives in warm dry areas, but prefers to live in 1985 where the years are Golden. Her allies Blanche, Rose & Sophia tell her where to find the sweetest honey while playing bridge and canasta.
Daily Habits - Loves flying and buzzing around on a hot summers day. She’s very good at sucking honey from old wrinkly pollen tubes. If we watch closely, we can see her giving the flower a good gum job.
Wildlife Videography - The Bumblebee Arthur (Bea Arthur) is no stranger to the camera. She has been on many nature shows including the Golden Girls, Maude and Futurama. Lately, she’s gotten acclaimed reviews as a model for adult Huggies diapers.
Posted 26.06.2008 | 9:47 pm
Primal Talents - This little fella is a pint size temper tantrum. Some of his talents include scurrying, squeaking and drunk driving his motorized wheelchair into trees. He also excels at getting drunk off 2 bottles of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.
Daily Activities - Needs to stay active in order to survive. He loves the smell of stale bourbon in the morning. His daily activities include scratching himself, licking himself and running around in his hamster wheel.
Mating Footage The Vernaked Mole Rat Troyer (Vern Troyer) has been quite a popular item lately. He’s appeared in a hit vhs tape with a a real live woman! He’s actually the first celebrity animal to successfully fit his entire body inside of a woman’s vagina.
Posted 25.06.2008 | 9:21 pm
This week we ran into one of our celebrity animals brother. He told us that he had a new and exciting dance to show us. We decided to sit and watch:
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Physical Characteristics - This blonde bombshell is a beast to be reckoned with. Her muscular arms allow her to cross the street at speeds measured at 2 inches a second! Look she’s coming towards us! Please hide all your shiny objects.
Mating Calls - Lately the Heidi Monsloth (Heidi Montag) has been practicing her mating call more frequently. Her latest screech is entitled “Fashion” which will make you question wonder why some people think that they can sing. If you’d like to hear what she sounds like, try crashing your car into a tree, lighting it on fire, then driving it. The noise your car makes after that is Track 2 off her new CD.
Natural Talents - None.
Posted 24.06.2008 | 9:04 pm
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Videography - This species loves to be in front of the camera. He’s been in such film strips as License to Drive, Stand By Me and Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter Stole My Acting Checks. He’s recently been spotted working as a security guard at Target.
Special Appearances - Known to make guest appearances at events where he sells his autographs for $35. But don’t worry folks! The last time I saw him in the wild, I was able to haggle an autograph for $3.68, 7 soda cans and a package of Big League Chew. So keep your chin up!
Primal Instincts - The Corey Feldlemur (Corey Feldman) is very fast at escaping enemies, except for his arch enemy, the Michael Jackal. This little critter often falls victim to the Jackals love spell. A day after a trip to Neverland Ranch leaves him hungover an dazed with a soar buttocks.
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